The Gardener and the Carpenter: A Powerful Metaphor
“The Gardener and the Carpenter” is a wonderful parenting book by Alison Gopnik. If you haven’t read it yet, it’s a great read! But you don’t have to read the book to benefit from the powerful metaphor the book presents towards parents. Be a Gardener, not a Carpenter. As parents, the job is not to mold or create an ideal child (aka build a child from scratch like a carpenter), but to instead create a space for a child to flourish (aka tend to a child like a gardener). And I’d like to take this metaphor and apply it past parenting, and see it as a metaphor for life in general.
The Carpenter Mindset
As parents, we obviously want the best for our children. There is this immense pressure to raise a child to turn out “just right”. So we think, if I just put in all this work, I can help make my child be the best they can be. In this mindset, we come from a belief that we can build and create a child to be just right, like a carpenter. We pick and choose parts to create the ideal child and get rid of anything that doesn’t fit. But what if instead of building, we instead create conditions for a child to prosper, like a gardener?
The Gardener Mindset
Sometimes in the process of helping a person become “just right”, we limit the potential of that person to become their best self. Individuals tend to progress and develop the most when they are given a safe space in which they can explore, take risks, make mistakes, and be their most authentic self.
Becoming a Gardener
Now this is not to say we shouldn’t strive for change, or growth. Being a gardener can also mean adapting the conditions to create different outcomes. It means that when we pursue change and transformation, it comes from a place of love, and not from a place of judgment or fear. A carpenter creates change in an effort of achieving an end goal. The carpenter believes that there is an “ideal” and that they are responsible for creating that. As a gardener, we put love towards creating the best possible conditions for the flower to become as great as it can be. A gardener knows that the process is the priority, not the outcome. We can be a gardener not only for our kids or our partner, but towards ourselves too.
How often are we frustrated with ourselves for not being a certain way? If only we could be more extroverted, more successful, more motivated. If only we could be better liked, more palatable to others, more confident in ourselves. If only we could get rid of the parts of ourselves that we do not like.
Therapists as Gardeners
As a therapist, I resonate with the role of the gardener. I work towards not only tending and caring for my clients’ authentic self, but also guiding them with becoming their own gardener, when they have assumed the carpenter role for so many years. Radical acceptance is the role of the gardener. And I believe my clients can find that kind of acceptance in our work together. It is this acceptance that sets the stage for growth, progress, and transformation. And it is growth that comes from a place of love and not fear that creates the most radiant flower.
In this life, be a gardener. :)