Using Therapeutic Tools Effectively
“I Want Tools”: How to Use Therapeutic Tools More Effectively
Everybody has gone through some hardship and thought, “Wow, I wish I had some strategies to help me through this.” Totally normal! I’ve had parents specifically ask me to give their child tools to use when they’re upset. I’ve had clients ask for strategies they can implement in the here and now to help them feel better. But, when does a tool become a crutch? Can a tool be used ineffectively? Can a tool hurt rather than help?
Therapeutic Tools
Tools in therapy are often designed to help someone alleviate their distress. When it comes to tools, you have often heard of mindfulness, breathing techniques, journaling, restructuring thoughts, reframing, etc. But how can we use these tools in a way that is most helpful?
The Intention Behind Tools
I believe this through and through: tools are meant to move you THROUGH the emotion, not away from them. This is the difference that can help make a tool more effective long-term.
Using Tools As Avoidance
A few questions to consider: Are you using the tool as a way to avoid your feelings? Whenever you feel anxious or upset, do you use the tool to get rid of your feelings? Do you use the tool to stop your feelings? If so, this tool may not actually be helping you in the long-run. It may actually be helping you stay away from your emotions.
Acceptance First
In order to use tools to their fullest effect, the first step is acceptance. Accept that you are having said emotion without judgment. Then react accordingly. Use the tool to help you process and actually feel the feeling. Think of the tool as something that helps you move through the emotion as opposed to against the emotion. This sometimes means that tools can make the feeling bigger before they feel smaller.
An Example
You feel anxious before meeting up with a friend. You think to yourself that it will go poorly.
Tool: Reframing the negative thought.
You think to yourself: Oh gosh, I’m really anxious to see my friend. What if it’s awkward or I do something weird? What if I mess up? Okay, wait no. I’m supposed to reframe this thought. Okay, so you know what? Everything honestly will be fine. I’m overthinking this. I don’t know what I’m so worried about. She’s nice and I’m nice. It’ll be great.
Now you feel better. But let's ask ourselves this: Did the tool help move you through the emotion or against?
Let’s try the same scenario again with just a little shift in intention and let’s add some more acceptance.You feel anxious before meeting up with a friend. You think to yourself that it will go poorly.
Tool: Reframing the negative thought.
You think to yourself: Oh gosh, I’m really anxious to see my friend. What if it’s awkward or I do something weird? Okay, you know what? It’s okay to feel nervous about this. That’s totally normal. Let’s take a deep breath. Wow, my hearts really racing and my palms are sweaty. Okay, another deep breath. It’s perfectly valid to feel anxious. But even if I’m anxious, I’m going to go. I believe in myself enough to know I can handle things if they do go wrong. But for the most part, I think everything is going to be just fine.
Even if it’s subtle, there is a huge difference in the way the tool of reframing was applied here.
Feeling Your Feelings
I say this all the time in therapy — there is no substitute for feeling your feelings. With tools or without them, you still must learn to feel your feelings openly and without judgment. That is one of the most important skills that I teach as a therapist. There is no magic tool I can give you that will immediately stop anxiety, depression, or other distressing emotions. However, if you use your tools to help you move with the emotion, you can move towards processing and healing. And if you can do that, then you can use any tool in your toolbox effectively.
Therapy with Czarina De Jesus, LMFT
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